Ashley’s Happy

I had never really asked myself a very important question that actually seemed rhetorical in my mind…Am I happy?

I was in a relationship with a guy from the time I was 17 until I was 27 years old. I honestly did not stop to really question myself or truth of the situation until the last year of it. The last year was the toughest year but to me it meant the most. I honestly did not see a way out of the situation even after all of the mental and some physical abuse. Even with him having no job, a new girlfriend, and a baby on the way. Yup I stayed through it all because if I would have left it meant I didn’t love him…right?

So I came to understand that choosing not to leave meant I didn’t love myself. I will never forget the time  when he said to me “you’re just a pretty face”, and I did not say a word but I thought to myself “he thinks I’m pretty”.  I don’t remember him ever telling me that before. It was such a crazy realization that I had that reaction to the words that he tried to break me with. I was embarrassed for myself! I couldn’t believe what I had just thought to myself about MYSELF. So I started on my journey of finding my happy.

I decided to work on my perspective by finding the positive in every situation. I started studying Quantum Physics.  Things started to get so clear to me and I did begin to feel…happy. He on the other hand started to make fun of me for taking on this new positive perspective. One day he said to me in disgust, ” you are always smiling, you smile too much.” By that time I realized that although all of his anger was directed towards me, it was not for me. He was angry at himself, I was just an easy target. So when he said things like that and I didn’t get defensive, it made me see that I had really started to believe. I had begun to embrace my truth. The day finally came where I was done punishing myself and I was able to get out of that relationship.

It felt good to mentally be free from it but it still was not easy. I didn’t fully understand my emotional position after all that he had done but I could not deny it none the less; I did not want him to feel bad. I did not want to hurt him. I still cared about him even after I overheard him telling his new girlfriend ” don’t you want to spend her money with me.”

I see now that I really did understand that holding on to anger towards him would only hinder my progress, and I had wasted enough time holding back. It’s easy to give into anger but difficult to do what is really best for us. I can honestly say I walked away like a lady. I took everything that really belonged to me with me;  my heart and my soul.

Today my happy means so much to me and it does not fit into a box. I let it take me to whatever feels good; the park, my home, my family, the sky, tea, yelling at a movie, music, the sun, a margarita, dancing, exercise…self interest. I put myself first and that does not mean I disregard others. The thing about it is the people in my life love me and they want to see me happy; I trust myself to make me happy. I love the people in my life and it makes me happy for them to be happy. So when I make decisions for me and they don’t match up with the other persons, or visa versa, I know that everything will be ok. I will not take on any  guilt or dish it out because I know what guilt does. It destroys people; it will eat you alive without you ever seeing when or where it even began. Do not be afraid to do things for you and to not do something you just don’t want to do.

A great friend of mine put it to me the best,” If you trust yourself you NEVER have to worry about trusting someone else.” -RLE   Build yourself up so you can trust that you know what makes you happy; then you never have to worry about letting down the people you care about or making a bad decision for yourself. As long as you are doing what feels good to you even the mistakes will have a positive outcome, because you will learn from them. “I never lose, either I win or I learn.”-ananymous  What does your happy look and feel like? Are you happy? Why or why not?   Leave your comments below or email me directly at I would love to listen. Oh and before I go here  is a great link that I think is worth checking out!

Have a great day beautiful people and be grateful for every moment! R U veRacioUs?


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