Sometimes I struggle with caring too much and sometimes I struggle with not caring enough. I have always naturally cared a lot about other people’s happiness, so much that I do not think of my own. People tell us that we are selfish if we put ourselves first… I want to analyze that statement.

Selfish-lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. So if I think of myself and what I truly want first that means that I am lacking consideration for others and I am concerned with my own personal profit or pleasure over everyone else? What if what makes me happy and what I truly want is for them to be happy? What if it truly makes me happy to give? Does it make us happy to see someone we love happy?

I have been analyzing myself and my surroundings for the past 2 years. When I get upset, angry, sad, happy, uncomfortable, insecure, brave, what promotes positive feeling and negatives ones. I started from scratch so instead of just listening to how other people told me I should feel I went back to find out how I actually do feel, what I do believe, and what I want.Yes this seem tedious but what is the alternative? Filling my days with things that keep me busy until I wake up one day “an old man filled with regret” because I never even figured out what it is that I actually want.

So when I get angry at the random person that just cut me off in traffic what am I actually angry about? Am I really yelling and cursing at this person that I do not even know because I expect them to consider how I feel? Come to find out it was because I felt they were being inconsiderate, taking advantage and there was nothing I could do about it.That random person put me right back in the mind of all the people in my life that I feel have taken advantage of me. Seems crazy right? But when I look back at my life from the beginning I see a sweet and naive little girl that let people take advantage of her until she got fed up and built a wall filled with anger, pride, emotion, and insecurities. The soldiers that stood behind the wall ready for war anytime anyone or anything even tried to LOOK over it, much less climb. Those soldiers started to come out naturally even when there was no real danger. When ever something even touched an insecurity of mine it meant war. Blurred lines caused by emotion…

I never really faced the little girl Ashley, I just told her I did not like her and I pushed her in a fox hole. I made her feel ashamed, weak, and unlovable. Regardless of how much time goes by she was always inside me and she always will be. I thought I could get rid of her by covering her up and getting stronger but I did not realize that hating her was hating myself. By actually taking out the time to face the truth that I had buried so deep I came to the conclusion that I want to love myself…all of myself. I want to respect and love what came before in order to love what is ahead.

Moving forward I see that putting myself first is actually the most selfless and best thing I can do because it feels so damn uncomfortable. Because I was told over and over again that it was selfish to love myself first.

Think about it, when you do something you really do not want to do does anyone really end up happy? Think deeper… I mean down the line. You want me to marry you and I accept because I just want you to be happy. I eventually start to resent you for the decision I made and you will no doubt feel that. Feel that I do not want to be with you. So did I really make you happy? Was I ever happy?

When I do things for another person’s happiness not only do I lose every time, so do they. I am letting them think that I can control how they feel when they are they only one that can decide to feel…anything. I can’t make you mad, you have to decide to be mad. I cannot make you happy, you have to decide to be happy. No one controls how I feel but me, period. Sure we can influence positive or negative emotion but at the end of the day we make our own choices to view things in a positive or negative way.

A very good friend of mine told me that his granddad said the best way to teach is to lead by example. So if I want anyone to be happy with themselves the best way I can do that is to be happy with myself. I have to trust myself enough to believe that I truly do want the people I love to be happy; I trust that my actions will promote positive feelings for those around me even if emotions tell me or them different.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,Courage to change the things I can,And wisdom to know the difference.

I accept that I cannot make anyone feel anything. I have the courage to change my negative perspective to a positive one. I have the wisdom to know that once I believe it I will see it and not before. I believe in unconditional love. I believe in happiness. I believe in taking responsibility for ones own self. I believe that I am not perfect and that my mistakes make me beautiful. I believe in life and I refuse to sleep my way through it just because it can be scary and I have felt pain. I believe that I am strong and I can help people.

The beautiful thing about getting to know all of me is that I actually know why I believe those things and I can honestly say I want them all.

Proverbs 3:13-14                                                                                                                               13 Blessed are those who find wisdom,                                                                                                     those who gain understanding,                                                                                                         14 for she is more profitable than silver
    and yields better returns than gold.

The truth can be painful, but man it can be beautiful! It is beautiful you just have to face it, stand in it, and believe it. Believe that YOU are Beautiful! Once you make the decision to love yourself first everything you want will follow and not before. It is ok to feel sad or mad or negative, just as long as you acknowledge that it is just a feeling and you yourself are not sad or mad or negative…You are human. Do not be afraid of making mistakes because they are only meant to teach you how to become who you have always wanted to be. Stay positive! Lets do this! Thank you for listening. Please feel free to email me or leave comments.

R U Veracious?



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