E

I found this letter that I wrote my sister some time last year and I never sent it to her. It is very personal so I figured I would share with her here. I was ashamed of how I felt but I want to accept my faults in order to grow. I want my sister to do the same.

E,

I have always loved and admired you. You are so beautiful. I envied you. You never felt like you were good at anything but you were good at everything. Often I felt like I should look up to you. I would have never admitted that then; it hsd taken me all the way until now.

Your long hair and beautiful voice… So smart.                                                                                       I have dreams about you some times and I wish we were closer back then. I feel like I could have helped you. I could have showed you how much I loved you so you didn’t have to go looking for it or feel like you weren’t loved.

You always felt like I didn’t care and I definitely made it seem that way. It was just my way of protecting myself.                                                                                                                                  You don’t feel like you are strong but you always have been. You gave me the strength to be me. To be brave. I felt like I was supposed to be better at everything then because I was your older sister but the truth is I was supposed to want you to be the best you could be and never compare us. Everyone else always compared us so I was naive by doing the same. I know I was just a kid and I have to forgive but never forget. I will teach the lessons I learned to as many people as I can. They deserve to know a better way to live from what we learned.

I want you to know I look up to you, then and especially now because I know better. You have a lot on your plate because you can handle it. You are so blessed and you are going to be so happy. I love you then now and always no matter what.

Love Ash

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