Mixed Girl

Poor mixed girl that just doesn’t fit in… I’ve heard people say sarcastically.

Zebra, You think you all that, White girl, Nigglet, Go back to africa, nigge*,Mutt…

Beautiful, Gorgeous, Pretty, Smart, Amazing,  Funny, cool, Sexy…

I have been called all of those things but you know what, I just started believing the complements within the last year of my life.

I had “Mixed girl struggles” growing up; people did look at me like “what are you?” Sometimes they would even say it.

what

It really made me feel like I had to prove that I was human. I remember one time in class as a freshman in high school when this boy raised his hand  and said “I know what we call white people and black people but what do we call a mixed person, a zebra? ” The class laughed, I was pissed, my teacher responded by saying” that was very rude, you know the only bi-racial person in here is Ms. Ashley.” I usually was the only mixed girl in the room, and no matter how I covered it up that feeling of wanting to belong did exist. Being called a mutt was one of the things a person couldn’t even joke about with me, I mean come on people a mutt is a freaking dog!!! stright-face

I felt like I always had to fight to be accepted. So I became very competitive and very defensive. I hated to be wrong,  which put me deeper into my own world and kept me from learning a lot about myself and others. I got to the point where I didn’t even like attention because I didn’t want people to think that I thought I was all that or I was conceded AKA acting light skinned… All that time I spent worrying about what OTHER  people thought about ME!!!! Only to finally understand that worrying about what other people think is the only way they can affect you!!!! 😲

So as far as growing up and being accepted socially, black people accepted me more; but please believe they let me know I wasn’t  fully on their team either. White girl! Lol. Like  it was a bad thing, and I honestly got to a point where I wasn’t even accepting the fact that I was half white. Instead of embracing every  part of myself, I embraced that negative energy and rejected an entire part of myself. Not Cute! That was my insecurities showing from the inside out.

I was embarrassed to even have any of these feelings because there are so many people in this world struggling with bigger problems like not knowing where they will sleep at night, or losing a loved one, but these are my  problems so how dare I judge myself and look at me as less than. I have always been the one to lift others up and it’s time to do the same for myself. I am pretty, I am very light skinned, I am half white and I have my own struggles that affect me. I do feel insecure at times and I do feel like I am not good enough at times, and I do feel like guys only talk to me because of how I look opposed to who I really am,  I do want to be accepted and I do care about what others think no matter how hard I try not to or say I don’t. I do want people to like me deep down inside,  but the more time I spend getting to know myself and God, the closer I get to not letting other peoples potential thoughts control or even affect my own.

I am who I am, I love who I love, the ones that love me really love me and I want them to know me for who I really am, not who I think they will love. Make sense?? hahaha welcome to my mind!! It’s all over place sometimes but God made me the way I am for a reason and he knows I can use all my gifts to their full potential so that is what I am doing…every moment mistakes, insecurities and all. That’s a reason why he taught me how to be competitive.😉

So the bottom line is I am mixed and people seem to really want to categorize me but hey that is their problem not mine. I do not belong to anyone but God so my need to belong to a certain culture is a misplaced fear. God put me in a wonderful position to help all types of people because we have all felt out of place, alone, and left out at one point or another. That’s why I started this blog, to help anyone I can by encouraging, being positive, and just letting you all know you are not alone. 

So thank God for my struggles,the ones that have passed and the ones that are to come. 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 Let’s do it !!!

R u Veracious ??

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